the full spectrum beloved

The most beautiful sunsets arrive in my eyes this time of year. The kind of amazing that brings gasps through open mouths, wind whistling through my teeth. Heart dropped into guts kind of beautiful. A startling red sun dipping behind the mountains, illuminating a patchwork of jewel toned clouds. It’s not the light itself that…

A Letter to My Whiteness (and Yours)

The defensive scripts of white folks, and the spoonful of medicine we could use instead. After attending an anti-racist workshop examining my whiteness, I learned how there are scripts that white folk predictably go through when called out on racism, appropriation, and the like. The script is our defenses at play. I’m sharing this here…

A path we know by heart

It has been five years. Just now, a bluebird alighted on the topmost branch of the tree in front of my window. I am brought back to the tree outside my bedroom window in my old apartment in Jersey City. It is January and almost dawn. We’ve been up all night, my last hurrah before…

On letting your loss point you towards your love

The story I will tell of these two years in Nevada City is that I came here to heal. I came here to heal the obvious wounds, and the wounds that were more hidden – deeper, older, more obscure, in some ways forgotten, and in some ways brimming to the surface in the wake of…

Returning of the light – the 2017 Christmas Story

On December 7, 2017, the 2 year anniversary (to the day) of being mugged at gunpoint, my car was broken into for the 3rd time. I made the stupid move of leaving my bag (with laptop) in my car for 20 minutes in Temescal, Oakland. I came back to a smashed window and my bag,…

On Resiliency, and the Spiraling Dark Nights of the Soul

Reading a post of mine from two years ago (around the time of my bottom of the well posts)…I feel a sense of exultation and completion. And even so, I am always cycling through these great spirals of life, hoping to level up and get it, really get it, this time… From my vantage point…

thank you, longing

There is something perfect and right about this longing. yes longing. thank you. thank you for the reminder that I’m alive and that my heart is so so so big. Thank you heart for reminding me that there is never just one way to love, or parameters to follow, or prescribed time to wait, and…

And that was the beginning of you tending to yourself.

My therapist asked me if there was a time in my life when I had been left by someone, and I missed them terribly, but was still able to stay with myself. A memory came to me of being heartbroken over a man named Alex. I was on my roof deck on 8th St in…

the veils are thin

The veils are thin. My dreams are making music with my life. The beloved is dancing with me through all forms. Right now it is the tall pines next to me that hold in the silence and tiniest baby lizard doing pushups in the sun. If I’m still enough, these details become the foreground, the…

On grief, and the way it moves in my body

Once we have grieved something, does grief ever fully leave our hearts, or do we walk with it always? This morning I woke up feeling good, that anchor of loss that’s been following me the last few weeks, that descends into the center of my chest upon waking, was absent. Even the nature of it…

follow it to find it

I’m having this fascinating experience of witnessing my life heading in a direction that I was not expecting. There are things I assume that I know about myself, that I make shit happen, that I build community and hold center and network. That I live in a certain place and do certain things. And I…

The bridge she did not cross

The snow muted all sound except the crunch beneath her feet and her escalating breath. Her destination was the top of a ridge across a small, icy river. Looking for a way to cross the water and scale the ridge, she happened across a snow-covered bridge, a delicate arch of dark red wood, slim boards,…