This is me, being in what I want. In the pain and the struggle of it. I’m sitting watching the sun set over the bay, and from this peaceful perch I can see it all with a clear head.
I’ve asked for this and for this I’m grateful.
I know these trials serve me. This is me being in what I’ve been calling for. No more life on hold, just because I’m sad or scared or angry. (Find the enjoyment in between the cracks.) I’m here for what I want. I can receive it now, if only parts of it. I’m learning how to receive.
I came out here to get what I want. To give myself what I want. To give myself the chance to be everything I want. I can receive more of what I want when I let myself see all that I already am in what I want:
More than wanting a partner, I’ve wanted to be single and learn that I can do that. Learn really who I am here, in this solo space. Heal the big things on my own first. Forgive myself. Fall in love with myself. Give myself space to answer, “what do I want?”
Rather than be happy all the time I’ve wanted to make sure I really know how to grasp all the lessons from the bottom of the barrel. As I swim to the surface, they slip from between my knuckles, so I swim back down again. I want to see them when they hit the air. I want to know that I’ve juiced this despair for all its richness. What is nourishing about my despair?
Rather than be rich, I want to know that I can do so on my own. That I can build my own empire of forgiveness and kindness and empowerment. That wealth comes to me because I know how to generate it. I know how to receive it. And I can do these things on my own.
It doesn’t mean I can’t ask for help. It doesn’t mean I’ve shut the doors to my folk. In what ways can I rely on others? To share in wisdom that I have not yet mastered. To find a sounding board, to instigate inquiry, and celebration.
But to own my own growth; to be the sole facilitator, nurturer, developer of the project that is Odessa. In past, in future, in presence, I belong to no one but myself, and this ownership is divine.
october 11, 2013