I spend a lot of time looking forward, looking at what I still need, what I’m lacking, what’s missing, so that I know what to strive for. It doesn’t leave a lot of room for gratitude. So, today I’m looking back at what I’ve accomplished in 2013, in gratitude and awe. Basically, I’m just trying to impress myself. My hope is that if I can really wow myself about this past year, it will inspire me to believe that I am capable of even greater things in 2014.
It started with a quiet wish above the rooftops of Jersey City, with the sun rising over the NYC skyline. It started with a knowing in my gut that I was headed towards my life. I had no idea what I would face, how it would all unfold, if I would swan dive, fly or crash. But there was enough lightness in my center that I believed my wings would take me. So I leapt. Off the rooftops, off the turnpike, off the spikes and spires of gotham.
I remember the feeling as the plane lifted off. I knew it would become known as one of the most momentous occasions of my life, but it still had no context. Where would this plane lead me to? What would this big leap mean for the rest of my life? I had to follow it to find it. That’s all I knew.
2013 has been about leaping, alighting, leaving, arriving, grounding, and laying roots. This year has been about starting over. Completely. Tearing the old page from the typewriter, crumpling it up, throwing it in the fire, and pulling out a fresh new sheet. Sit back down, flex your fingers, straighten your back, and wait for new inspiration.
It’s amazing to look back and see how long my life has been ramping up for this massive change I’ve experienced this past year. And how change can happen both so gradually and so suddenly. One minute I’m dancing with all my friends at WAM house and kissing them goodbye. The next I’m landed at the Thursday Berkeley Jam, my first evening in California. But I find evidence in my writings, performances and musings as far back as two years ago, when I’m writing about the Process of Yes, about clean slates and leaps of faith. Funny to think about how my life, my creativity, my heart is so lovingly and gently pointing me towards that which I dream of, even when the dreams are so deep and unborn that I can’t call them up in waking life.
This year I’ve made great big strides in taking care of myself, and changing my lifestyle to be more healthy, easeful and gentle. I drink less and dance more. Last night I uncorked a bottle of wine and forgot to pour myself a glass. I would rather feel what I’m feeling than spend days avoiding it, eyes glued to a screen portraying someone else’s life, laying low under the great sea of emotions waiting to wash waves over me.
I’m getting into the practice of embracing who I am, in all my bigness and loving and struggle, all my small girl fears and fierce woman passions. I’m learning how much I can love all of her.
I am building a new nest, laying the groundwork that is supportive, cozy and nurturing, from which I will test fly my new wings. I’m getting ready to launch, and I will launch when the time is right, when I know that what I come home to is strong enough that it won’t be blown away by the wind.
december 28, 2013