It started as a pain in your back, when, you cannot remember. It’s been carrying you or you’ve been carrying it for so long you don’t know your movement without it. Pray pray pray, feel feel feel, move move move, stretch stretch stretch, and it doesn’t fade, instead it gets louder. It will no loner be ignored, it invades your senses even as you sit in your kitchen, talking about your feelings. What to do when the feelings are all talked out, the emoting is expended through the channels it knows? Your body is calling for a new way, and together you are blindly fumbling in this dark tunnel towards (you hope) more of your becoming. There’s a short cut somewhere here, a shortcut that leads straight to the light and more vitality and strength and wholeness, a shortcut that opens a channel that lets the fresh mountain water through. It’s somewhere, but you don’t even have the hands to touch it.
So let someone touch you. A following of calcified memories, inhibited force, compressed rage, a muffled roar, in your flesh. Let her be the lamppost to guide your way through these sinewy halls. Take the vortex inwards, into these fibrous places that remember each moment of violence, each moment of care, each moment of fight. These halls that are storing all the ways you never got to express any of that. Let her eagle eye view of your body map show you the way. Yes, trust. You cannot see the whole picture from your seat. You need the lampposts, the maps, the guides.
Allow this awakening from the inside. A roar that won’t be muffled any longer. A dislodging of force and rage. Follow your muscles as they contract and stretch and feel the power of your own strength, uninhibited by the memory of the time when you couldn’t, or you weren’t allowed, or freezing was the safest thing you could do. Let that fall away, you are just here with your own power, found in these tiny fibers of your being. All working together to express this action for you, of you.
There is a freedom of movement now. That pain in your back is no longer nagging you. Instead, it’s saying, “See? Do you see now what this is? I’ve been holding that for you. It is special, and it is important that all of you have this back. I was holding all of it until you could help me find the way through. Your welcome. Thank you.”
This morning, after a brief respite, you feel the pain again. But you have your hands back. You are untying the blindfold and looking around these ancient, fleshy corridors of your living and being. The lamps are lit, some of the map revealed. Fumble you might, but with more access to your potency, a wholeness that has found you in this dark place. You don’t have to wait for the light at the end of the tunnel to feel whole. In fact, maybe this visceral realm is truly where your wholeness lives.
October 17, 2018