It’s time to tell the story of how I got here.
It is summer and 4am as I find myself walking down a deserted midtown street in Manhattan. High and happy from the outpouring of love at my first Amma gathering, I was finally able to drag myself away. I float home with a heart jam-packed full of love, accompanied by a small nagging sense of obligation that pulls me along into the PATH train and home to bed. It is a weekday and I have work in the morning.
It is morning the next day, and my alarm is going off at 8am. Work looms in front of me. There is something moving in me that is so big and significant, I know enough to keep this day for myself and silence. There is no other way about it. I call in sick.
It is a few hours later. I am out on my roof deck letting the late morning sun soak my skin and my meditation. Something is stirring. Not everything was all rainbows and butterflies last night, and I have things to sort through. There is a general unhappiness, a frustration and boredom I feel at my tech job, and a growing sense of directionless-ness and lack of alignment in all things in my life. I had learned ThetaHealing almost a year ago, and it had significantly helped with my depression, but there is some kind of momentum growing in me that I don’t quite understand, but it feels big and important. I feel stuck. Bound into my life in Jersey City/New York. I need to break free of this monotony and find my joy, my happiness, my purpose, and I don’t know how.
And so I sit with the sun and the building tops viewable from my roof deck, and ask the ethers – “what is keeping me here? Why am I so stuck?” The answers come with a force and quickness, with a clarity that was unmistakable. The answers come in the form of my limiting beliefs: “New York is the center of the universe” (I’m pretty sure ALL New Yorkers have this belief), and “I can only be a dancer if I live in this city” and “I have to hold down the fort here for my family” (they had all moved away).
A shockwave moves through me as these beliefs – which had been hovering at the edges of my consciousness – are revealed to me. The veils part, the curtain comes down. These beliefs linked my place (home) to my sense of identity, sense of purpose, sense of duty. But none of it actually fit me. They were external beliefs that I had unconsciously taken on as my own (in the instance of the beliefs about New York and dancing), or they were beliefs that I had developed internally through the intricacies of my experience to keep me safe (holding down the fort meant there was a fort to come home to, and it allowed me to be frozen in time, which was safer than exploring). And yet, there was something that was soul crushing and dissatisfying to me about the dance world in New York. There was something soul crushing to me about New York period, but these unconscious beliefs were making me feel obligated to stay.
Here, in this stark and true moment, I am outgrowing these past versions of myself at lightening speed. So I sit and work through the ThetaHealing belief work protocol, clearing these beliefs, getting the lessons, opening to new possibilities. As I finish, a message comes in as loud as the beliefs had moments before: “You will be gone from here, and to some place warmer, by January.”
It is slightly later that day, July 11th 2012. I am alone post self-thetahealing session. I am laughing and crying all at the same time, walking circles around my Jersey City apartment like a crazy person, not knowing what to do with all this newfound vitality, this freedom, joy, and excitement. So I laugh and I cry and I walk. I can feel in my body the availability for new possibilities. I vow to follow this vitality, and follow the divine winks towards the path that puts my life on purpose.
It is January 31st, 2013 – 6 months later. I am boarding an airplane at JFK, bound for San Francisco. Job-free, apartment-free and agenda-free, I am west-coast bound to start my new life. The last stop I made before the airport was to donate my winter coat to goodwill, knowing I will never need a coat of that thickness again (or at least for a long, long time).
I am looking out of the airplane window at the hazy horizon of Brooklyn, marking this moment when I trade in home and safety for a one-way ticket to unfathomable newness, following a fire in my belly that propels me towards my YES, feeling the pull of this mysterious yet clear momentum towards the unfolding of the rest of my life, into the unknown, feeling my joy, and feeling on purpose.