And that was the beginning of you tending to yourself.

My therapist asked me if there was a time in my life when I had been left by someone, and I missed them terribly, but was still able to stay with myself. A memory came to me of being heartbroken over a man named Alex. I was on my roof deck on 8th St in…

the veils are thin

The veils are thin. My dreams are making music with my life. The beloved is dancing with me through all forms. Right now it is the tall pines next to me that hold in the silence and tiniest baby lizard doing pushups in the sun. If I’m still enough, these details become the foreground, the…

On grief, and the way it moves in my body

Once we have grieved something, does grief ever fully leave our hearts, or do we walk with it always? This morning I woke up feeling good, that anchor of loss that’s been following me the last few weeks, that descends into the center of my chest upon waking, was absent. Even the nature of it…

follow it to find it

I’m having this fascinating experience of witnessing my life heading in a direction that I was not expecting. There are things I assume that I know about myself, that I make shit happen, that I build community and hold center and network. That I live in a certain place and do certain things. And I…

The bridge she did not cross

The snow muted all sound except the crunch beneath her feet and her escalating breath. Her destination was the top of a ridge across a small, icy river. Looking for a way to cross the water and scale the ridge, she happened across a snow-covered bridge, a delicate arch of dark red wood, slim boards,…

What to do when grieving and lost. Advice from the bottom of the well.

I’m no expert. Just my experience and what is helping me cope with some hard times. Some of these ways of coping contradict each other. Maybe that’s the nature of the beast. Maybe you will find something useful here, amidst the confusion and the contradiction. 1) Accept the bigness of your feelings. Don’t waste the…

Bottom of the well

Like sludge at the bottom of a dried up well. Hundreds of feet of earth towers over me, the opening, a pinprick of sky, far beyond my reaches. My buckled body, folded in on itself, this deep dark mud slicked over forearms, streaked across my face, smeared on knocking knees. An out-breath. A shattering. My…

Beloved, I am here

The leaves start falling around here with what seems like no notice. The air has not changed, in fact, this September is warmer than the months it follows. There has been no cold snap, and no real hint of winter to facilitate leaves falling, or even changing color. And yet here they come – and…

8 Ways Manifest, Using the Mundane and the Magical.

It’s the weight of a deep out-breath. It brings me into my body, lands me in my every cell. I feel muscles and skin and joints spread, befriending gravity in this expansive exhale.  The magic with which the last few months have unfolded have given me even more evidence that the fabric of reality is…

The Morning Before (arriving at Burning Man 2012)

It took until morning to realize what she’d done. For the gravity of this leap to fully settle. She had spent hours and hours planning and packing, booking flights and cars, researching and learning how to survive on the playa, had coordinated all the details like the pro-organizer she was, and not once had she…

The Seduction of Daydreams – Why Positive Thinking is Not Enough

I notice this feeling I get when I daydream. It happens when I daydream about anything – more money, my next romance, the living situation I’m calling in, the car I will buy, my most perfect holiday plans, next summer’s adventures. When I dip into this reality in the dream space in my mind, I…

Declare your worth

The old Rumi quote “You must ask for what you really want” echoes in my head every time I’m going for something, or feeling a little timid, or uncertain about how things will turn out. It’s a reminder that I need to put myself out there and really stake my claim in what I want….