A Letter to My Whiteness (and Yours)

The defensive scripts of white folks, and the spoonful of medicine we could use instead. After attending an anti-racist workshop examining my whiteness, I learned how there are scripts that white folk predictably go through when called out on racism, appropriation, and the like. The script is our defenses at play. I’m sharing this here…

On letting your loss point you towards your love

The story I will tell of these two years in Nevada City is that I came here to heal. I came here to heal the obvious wounds, and the wounds that were more hidden – deeper, older, more obscure, in some ways forgotten, and in some ways brimming to the surface in the wake of…

thank you, longing

There is something perfect and right about this longing. yes longing. thank you. thank you for the reminder that I’m alive and that my heart is so so so big. Thank you heart for reminding me that there is never just one way to love, or parameters to follow, or prescribed time to wait, and…

And that was the beginning of you tending to yourself.

My therapist asked me if there was a time in my life when I had been left by someone, and I missed them terribly, but was still able to stay with myself. A memory came to me of being heartbroken over a man named Alex. I was on my roof deck on 8th St in…

On grief, and the way it moves in my body

Once we have grieved something, does grief ever fully leave our hearts, or do we walk with it always? This morning I woke up feeling good, that anchor of loss that’s been following me the last few weeks, that descends into the center of my chest upon waking, was absent. Even the nature of it…

What to do when grieving and lost. Advice from the bottom of the well.

I’m no expert. Just my experience and what is helping me cope with some hard times. Some of these ways of coping contradict each other. Maybe that’s the nature of the beast. Maybe you will find something useful here, amidst the confusion and the contradiction. 1) Accept the bigness of your feelings. Don’t waste the…

Beloved, I am here

The leaves start falling around here with what seems like no notice. The air has not changed, in fact, this September is warmer than the months it follows. There has been no cold snap, and no real hint of winter to facilitate leaves falling, or even changing color. And yet here they come – and…

Small Bites

My heart is at it again. I woke up this morning with that familiar feeling of longing, the sumptuous indulgence of replaying certain moments from last night. I stretch and sink deeper under covers, lips curved at the thought of a hand on my back, a piercing exchange, the curiously familiar sensation of this new…

Walking on Water, Laying Bricks

The birds are walking on water, and I’m laying bricks around my heart. The water this morning is deep enough to be a glassy surface, deep enough that some smaller birds are still paddling, leaving concentric ripples with their even strokes. I can only tell the tide is receding when they change flippers into legs,…

the magic of goodbye and hello

The sand sprays over the shining water, and rains down into the foam of the most recently crested wave. In the air, the carefully sculpted sand-balls burst into millions of tiny grains, diffusing what we had built, what we can’t live without, what we must live without. We hold hands and watch our gift to…

Clean Slate and Leaps of Faith: 2013 in Review

I spend a lot of time looking forward, looking at what I still need, what I’m lacking, what’s missing, so that I know what to strive for. It doesn’t leave a lot of room for gratitude. So, today I’m looking back at what I’ve accomplished in 2013, in gratitude and awe. Basically, I’m just trying…

The fullness of longing

There is something about October. About the light that turns extra golden in the late afternoon. Something about the warmth of the sun and the cool of the air that lures smells of home-cooking, warmth, and habitation out from cracked windows and doors, yawning open for the last few lazy times before cold and hibernation…