A path we know by heart

It has been five years. Just now, a bluebird alighted on the topmost branch of the tree in front of my window. I am brought back to the tree outside my bedroom window in my old apartment in Jersey City. It is January and almost dawn. We’ve been up all night, my last hurrah before…

On Resiliency, and the Spiraling Dark Nights of the Soul

Reading a post of mine from two years ago (around the time of my bottom of the well posts)…I feel a sense of exultation and completion. And even so, I am always cycling through these great spirals of life, hoping to level up and get it, really get it, this time… From my vantage point…

On grief, and the way it moves in my body

Once we have grieved something, does grief ever fully leave our hearts, or do we walk with it always? This morning I woke up feeling good, that anchor of loss that’s been following me the last few weeks, that descends into the center of my chest upon waking, was absent. Even the nature of it…

follow it to find it

I’m having this fascinating experience of witnessing my life heading in a direction that I was not expecting. There are things I assume that I know about myself, that I make shit happen, that I build community and hold center and network. That I live in a certain place and do certain things. And I…

Beloved, I am here

The leaves start falling around here with what seems like no notice. The air has not changed, in fact, this September is warmer than the months it follows. There has been no cold snap, and no real hint of winter to facilitate leaves falling, or even changing color. And yet here they come – and…

The Seduction of Daydreams – Why Positive Thinking is Not Enough

I notice this feeling I get when I daydream. It happens when I daydream about anything – more money, my next romance, the living situation I’m calling in, the car I will buy, my most perfect holiday plans, next summer’s adventures. When I dip into this reality in the dream space in my mind, I…

The parts of you that never left

Put it all down. That which you’ve been clutching like a last dying breath, let it slip through your fingers. Open your palms in reverence, in prostration to the unknown. Put it all down, let it fall where it may, and leave. Don’t look down, don’t look back. That which is meant to, will follow…

the magic of goodbye and hello

The sand sprays over the shining water, and rains down into the foam of the most recently crested wave. In the air, the carefully sculpted sand-balls burst into millions of tiny grains, diffusing what we had built, what we can’t live without, what we must live without. We hold hands and watch our gift to…

Clean Slate and Leaps of Faith: 2013 in Review

I spend a lot of time looking forward, looking at what I still need, what I’m lacking, what’s missing, so that I know what to strive for. It doesn’t leave a lot of room for gratitude. So, today I’m looking back at what I’ve accomplished in 2013, in gratitude and awe. Basically, I’m just trying…

Meeting Myself

After the whirlwind of Burning Man subsided, I realized that I had gone there to do just one thing: meet myself. I remember a conversation I had prior to Burning Man where we set our intentions for how we wanted to move through that playground, that lab. I remember fumbling for my answer, and then…

the city of never enough

The first part of her to feel home was her feet – her soles recognized the familiar way the wood felt both cool and warm, sticky and smooth. As she put her feet to the floor in the morning, from the bed, from the room she used to own, she felt what it feels to…

note to self: give up

Give up. Give up all the ways you’re stopping yourself. Give up all the excuses you’ve given yourself to stall happiness. Give up the notion that you can’t have it all (or any of it), that you don’t deserve to discover the layers of your heart. Give up the fear that’s holding your hand, pinning…